On the Road to ^Inspire Others

^MESH ~works~.  But if we are to ^Remember only one concept for our ~own~ sake, it is to ^Fail.  The most serious ^MESS of minds can be ~overcome~, if the ^Fail is ~adequate~ to the ^MESS itself.  Until we experience a ^Fail and ^Notice its ^Result, we simply are left in the dark about it.  May I ~tell~ you my story with conviction? 

At times it may sound like I am ahead of the curve, but I confess the at times frequent ~weakness~ in me has ^Become a ~mode~ so ^STRONG that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Severe, without Psychotic Features.  Many years ~later~ I was diagnosed variously after suffering two psychoses and two accompanying hospitalizations.  ^What a roller coaster!  Though it might be needlessly confusing in some cases, sometimes a label to our struggle is convenient or ~helpful~, so gladly we have doctors and other committed practitioners to ^Help us ^Discern the flavors of the internal struggles that we face. 

Due to subsequent suffering and healing I can ^Look ~back~ to that early diagnosis decades ago and ^See that they were sort of wrong about the without psychotic features ~part~.  For I ^Now understand that I was also suffering needlessly from paranoid delusions with some corroborating sensory hallucinations.  It is a ~repeat~ in suffering with greater intensity followed by the healing and tools I describe in The Book of ^MESH that made my eyes ^Open to this unobstructed vision of my years in suffering. 

It took me many failed attempts and five months of ^Progress to get The Book of ^MESH written and re-written to ^Live in its ~first~ ~home~ online.  And in that time, I have forgone as much in pay at the most lucrative ~part~ of my career as a software engineer.  I ^Hope that ~sacrifice~ may ^Help or ^Save us from ~needless~ suffering.  And it is a small ~sacrifice~ compared to the great ~help~ and clarity I ^Now ^Feel.  It is worth it on the small ~chance~ it may be imparted fruitfully to others.  Its contents have been fruitful to my ~own~ ~health~, so I have ~hope~ for others. 

I wrote my ~first~ draft of this chapter on the 24th of December 2021.  But twenty-five months before that I had a trauma at ~work~ that unknowingly had induced a repressed memory in me.  Within a ~week~ I was to the ~point~ that I had ^No idea that anything wrong happened to me!  For over a ^Month I was basically fine.  I did ^Remember an event, but it was rewritten in my ^Mind.  I knew I did the right thing in face of ~opposition~ but I had a false memory about the particulars of ^Why. 

But I can only suppose that in ~connection~ with that trauma, a psychosis ~slowly~ took form in the second and third ^Month from that trauma.  In the fourth and fifth ^Month, I began to ^Drown in ~fear~ in ~connection~ with my ~work~ which took form of paranoid delusions.  I would ^Work fewer and fewer hours, just long ~enough~ to ^Answer daily meetings.  Then mid-March brought spring break, followed by the lockdown for the pandemic.  I ^No longer had a ~safe~ ~space~ in my ~home~ nor an outlet for which to run or ^Exercise.  My ^Mind entered a mode of hypervigilance ^Where I could not indulge myself in any ~way~ even for something as ~simple~ as to feed myself.  It began looping ~between~ ^Feel and ^Think and each in a panic to ^Save the other.  I was ~frozen~ without ~ability~ to ^Act. 

^No one really understood ~how~ scared I felt.  Or ^What was going on in my thoughts.  And on the surface (to others), it did not ^Look like ~fear~ at all.  At the ^Start of lockdown I was hallucinating, but I did not ~know~ it.  And at about two weeks in as the sun rose one ^Day I traumatically recognized an experience as a hallucination.  I was so terrified.  In an ^Act to ^Protect my ~family~ I had my spouse ^Take me to the hospital in ~anticipation~ of getting a CT or MRI ^Scan.  I had suspicion of a brain defect but ^No suspicion of mental ~illness~. 

I was kept in the hospital under ^Watch without any ~adequate~ feeling of reasonable explanation and without ~chance~ to call authorities for ~help~ which I did ^Express and was my only ~wish~.  At the time I did ^Suspect corruption in context of government and my ~work~ and I sought to ^Counsel with a state or local ^Agency for support.  And as the hospital staff would ^Refuse me ~opportunities~ to ^Ask for ^Help, it did ^Turn my pain from it inward yet ^More.  Then I was taken by ambulance to a mental hospital and required to strip down to a small bit of underwear. 

I was examined physically at check-in.  Perhaps it had a ^Proper ^Purpose to ^Check for unreported injury but it did not ^Feel ^Proper at all.  After that I was put in a hospital gown which I had the ~awareness~ but not the ~focus~ to tie for myself which did ^Remain untied for three days without ^Reward of ~clothes~ except for a pair of socks in the morning.  I was so ^Grateful for socks that I felt like a house elf soon to ^Be set ^Free, yet it did not ^Last for I began to ^Suspect and ^Learn that ^No ~clothes~ would ^Come to ^Advocate my cause in ~truth~.  I also learned that ^No amount of reciting my patient rights could ^Grant me habeas corpus nor time with a ^Judge.  As a captive, could you ^Tell me ^Now, was my ~choice~ to ^Beg wrong?  Was the ^Lack of ^Answer proof of the ^Own ~commitment~ and ~intention~ to ^Remove my ^Agency ~long-term~? 

The trauma of my hospital ~stay~ (without ~family~, under covid lockdown) and the ensuing ~commitment~ to a mental facility turned the ^MESS into a giant fireball in my ^Mind and I began my ~first~ night in the hospital with a massive psychosis, ~full~ blown delusion and an accompanying hallucinatory experience that acted in ~full~ corroboration. 

All this, perhaps the most harrowing experience of my ~life~, was precipitated from a traumatic experience that I could not ^Remember which trauma snowballed in course of weeks and months as it poorly combined with my current ~weakness~ and current modes in my ^Mind.  Ironically, this decline was exacerbated by the ~attention~ it was given.  The once-and-yet-common medical ^Practice for treating severe mental ~health~ concerns acted as a multiplier and an accelerant. 

Within a ~week~ I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  Two months ~later~ I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder and about the same time I quit doing my injections and other medications except for melatonin to ^Help my ~sleep~.  It probably took a ~year~ for me to realize that bipolar was as ~good~ a diagnosis as any for my experiences (both recent and distant) of ~needless~ suffering.  Partially with anosognosia about it and partially with ~insight~ I believed that this psychotic episode was caused by a ~lack~ of ~daily-self-care~ in ~connection~ with an escalating ^Divide in my ~mind~ (unable to ^Act).  The split ~focus~ that accompanied this ^Divide was one of ~fear~ (~between~ the modes that ^Remain: ^Feel and ^Think).  Although I was not wrong, the thought was incomplete, and I did not have the succinct language The Book of ^MESH does ^Give me ^Now to describe it.  From that experience and reflecting on it since that time I learned that I have had unmanaged Bipolar 1 Disorder developing in my ~life~ in a ~MESS~ for at least decades if not for my whole ~life~. 

Although it is nice to have a diagnosis for my ~own~ suffering or for that of others, that may ^Offend or ^Become us to excusably ^Receive or ^Take it which ~hurt~ or ~intent~ is ^Found to ^Oppose ^MESH.  Due to the strings that the current modes of modern medicine and society ^Attach to us, I ^Think it far ^Better that we can ^Look at the ^MESS without the ~complexity~ of a diagnosis for today we ^Fear it ~still~ and it may ^Come as a label of (dys-)~function~.  Yet in reality, to ^Heal, we should ^Recognize it as evidence of a ~beautiful~ ^Mind which is ^Full of ^Function.  And then, with appreciation of it in the ~full~ ^Beauty of its modes we may ^Loom to ^Repair or ^Improve any struggle rather than jump on the ^Train of dysfunction in ~hope~ that the next station is different. 

During that psychosis, at the very peak, something happened.  From ^Chaos against my broken ^Mind by sheer severity of the delusion it held, I chose to ^Fail.  I ^Say chose but owing to the severity I felt I was in some ~sense~ compelled to that ~choice~.  In my delusion and corroborating hallucinations, thousands of brave people were dead, risking death or dying, with me at the fulcrum of those events.  And in a moment of clarity, I saw ~how~ to ^Surrender my ~own~ ~life~ which might ^Stop it.  And so, I took courage to ^Go and do exactly that.  And this ~perfect~ ~fail~ did ^Happen only in context of my false reality and my severe disability.  And I did it ONE TIME.  I did it ONLY in my ^Mind for my actions were almost totally disabled ~still~.  The whole ^Fail transpired within ONE ^HOUR and after reaching the WORST crisis of ^MESS in my ~life~. 

So although completely ~alone~ in my ^Mind surrounded by active hallucinations in a ~variety~ of senses, I did ^Yield to ^Fail in the very manner I describe in The Book of ^MESH.  The ^Result was inspiring.  After ^Surrender I felt the most ~wonderful~ ^Happy relief.  The ^Surrender I chose in fact was to ^Give my ~life~ to an enemy to be tortured in the most ^Cruel and unusual manner.  And I did it to ^Save others from an early demise.  And ^When I did it, I was so ^Happy to do it!  Not a shred of ~regret~, ~shame~ or ~fear~ anymore!  I really was ready to be tied down and then greet the ~point~ of an unsterile scalpel to be disemboweled with ~joy~ and without ~opposition~. 

The ~terror~ leading up to that trauma has ~overcome~ me several times in trying to ~tell~ it to you today.  I am just sobbing the ~first~ time I wrote this and then at my ~first~ edit also.  But I have ~found~ ~more~ ~strength~ and have not broken down in my second and many ~more~ edits of it to ^Follow. 

Within a ~week~ of that glorious ^Fail I climbed out of my delusions layer by layer and finally was restored to sanity.  At least in appearance and introspective feeling I was ^Free of all hallucinations.  All of my delusions were subdued with ~strength~ of ^Humility. 

That following ~week~ in the hospital I ^Now could ^Discover that I had a repressed/false memory and to ^Write about ^What happened those five months ago in my ~journal~ and to ^Write about other traumas in my past that I knew but could not bear to ~tell~ anyone about. 

That was just the ^Start though.  I came out of the hospital and the ~change~ of scene was too much for my fragile state yet ^Again, so a new delusion was born.  Before I was living with ~family~.  ^Now I was living with spies in skin suits.  This (mis-)~identify~ mode ~found~ its confirmation in the difference in treatment that in ~truth~ I did ^Receive from each ~family~ member.  My one son was being ~more~ aloof and my other son had ~more~ ^Aim to ^Talk with me.  My wife was being ~less~ aloof and ~more~ talkative and having us ^Engage in ~family~ therapy.  And her ~aim~ was to ^Move ^More rapidly on to divorce with ~intent~ to alleviate relationship stress. 

My neighbors were installing a sprinkler system that very ~week~.  I did ^Tend to ^Believe they were imposters too or that they had been co-opted to install spy cameras around my ^Home. 

I am ^Grateful that generally I ^Tend to ^Trust ~peace~ as a ~solution~ and I ^Hold ^No ~belief~ that weapons are the ~source~ of my ~safety~.  However, I ^Need to be deeply ^Honest here.  I really believed my ~own~ ~family~ had been kidnapped and were being kept from me.  I believed that one of my sons had died in that ~process~.  I really and strongly believed that the new ~family~ surrounding me were imposters.  If those believed facts ever confronted me too strongly or else had I ever arrived at ~STRONG~ ~opposition~ to that delusional mode, I ^Feel the ~temptation~ to ^Fight to ^Save my ~family~ would have been too ~STRONG~ for my weakened state, were it not for one other fact of ^Mind. 

So ^What did ^Save the ^Day from my acting out horribly in ~accord~ to my false ~belief~ after my ~return~ from the hospital? 

It was ~humility~.  Gratefully I had these delusions with such ~humility~ given by that ~gift~ of ~fail~ to which I had submitted myself at the very height of my psychosis in the hospital. 

I accepted those spies in skin suits ^Who had replaced my ~family~.  I accepted them just the ~way~ they were!  I am not joking.  I showed ^Love despite my severe concern to those little fictitious pretenders while at the same time sorely missing my ~family~ ^Who they resembled.  Those spies I adopted as my ~family~ although just as importantly I also accepted myself which meant I could ^Keep my ^Hope that I could mourn all the ~needless~ suffering with my real ~family~ once I ~found~ them ^Again.  So by ~humility~ I tried to ^Show my ~BEST~ ^Love against all apparent evidence within the situation. 

I also accepted everything the ~way~ it was then.  I accepted the likelihood of divorce and the ruin upon my finances that the hospital bills and ~lack~ of employment had waged.  I accepted the possibility that I would ^Never ^See my real ~family~ ^Again and that I was surrounded by imposters ^Who were acting for their ~own~ ^Purpose to my eventual ~hurt~.  I did not ^Embrace these facts, but I accepted them. 

My fears and other ~STRONG~ emotions that precipitated such severe delusions sat on a slippery slope, so I was empowered to ^Turn my battle to one of ~daily-self-care~ and modestly ^Return to ^Work although the ~fear~ itself outlasted the delusions of those ~first~ months after my hospitalization.  The ^Lie trapped in that ~mode~ could not endure and yet the ~mode~ at the same time served a ~good~ ~purpose~ for I was too fragile to ^Accept the truth that my whole ~life~ just exploded without any power available to ^Recover it, mostly due to situations beyond anyone's control.  And that from that explosion my grip on ~life~ had ^Become so loose.  Those delusions and that ^MESS of ^Mind protected me but the ~PATH~ (beginning there with ~fail~ and ~humility~) and an environment of ~love~ for many months on ~end~ without ^Judgment brought me ~back~ ^Again. 

But ^Let's ^Think ^Now.  ^What if in ~maximum~ ~fear~ I were to ^Try to ^Remove their skin suits to ^Catch a ~suspect~ in their ~deception~?  Perhaps we would ^Say that we ^Need ~more~ hospitalizations to ^Come by ^Force or ~more~ drugs (which threaten to ^MESS with our modes) for those ^Who suffer from a ^Crazy ~mind~?  Perhaps we would ^Say my brain did ^Fail to ^Function to the tragic ~harm~ of my ~family~ members.  Not so!  But that action would certainly have been evidence of ~evil~. 

Yea, I also ^Feel ~SICK~ that I might have attempted to ^Hurt my lovely ~family~.  And yea.  That's ^Okay.  We should ^Feel it.  But we can ^Keep our ~belief~ that mental hospitals, medicines and diagnoses do ^Better for us than to ^Search for a ^Better ^Love.  Maybe it is about time we ^Fail that approach so that we may ^Learn something about ourselves?  Am I wrong?  That's for you to ^Decide; with or without usefulness of ~all~ our modes. 

Since that time I have coined a term for a sort of false ^Humility which I call half-humility.  This is ^When, for instance, we might ^Accept others just the ~way~ they are but not ourselves or not our world.  Or, for instance, we ^Accept ourselves and our world ~just-the-way-we-are~ but not others.  The powerful ~immunity~ of ~humility~ is that we ^Need us to ^Accept ourselves, others and our world in and for the moment, all at once in a ~merge~ and not disjointedly. 

Gladly I did not have (Half-)^Humility.  If it were that, I ^Suspect it may have had power to ^Lead me to ^Try a reckless or violent ^Act as another ^Desperate ~soul~ ^Who may ^Seek homicide, suicide or destruction to property.  And it would have depended on which ~part~ of ^Humility I possessed ~between~ myself and others.  For ~example~, it may have led to a destructive or ^Desperate ^Act to ^Escape if I were to ^Accept ourselves and others, but not the world in which I suffered. 

We should not ^Deceive ourselves here!  ^Humility has nothing to do with acceptance of immutable facts or truths!  That's anti-humility; ^No one needs to be confronting distortions of another with their ~own~ version of ^Truth except in ^Purpose to ^Expand ~needless~ suffering.  ^When we ^Think we are delivering ^Truth to another, ^More than likely we are delivering an ~example~ of (anti-)^Humility which is a highly contagious ~mode~ and a multiplier of ~needless~ suffering.  Whether we or others are suffering the important thing is to ^Accept ourselves, others and our world ^Now in ~accord~ to ^What we ^Believe it is ^Now.  ^Let the relief of ^Humility permeate ourselves and then radiate that ~mode~ upon others and upon our world.  And quite miraculously, it ~works~.  Isn't that ~wonderful~? 

(Half-)^Humility (imbalanced acceptance) and (anti-)^Humility (imposing our truths upon ~one-another~) has rather the ~opposite~ effect to ^Expand distortions so that we ^Act on them in the worst ~way~.  But do not ^Aim for ^Humility; only ^Watch for its absence at times of suffering, so we may ^Recognize it is time to ^Fail.  The ~BEST~ ~way~ to ^Achieve ^Humility with ~stability~ is to ^Fail.  I would ^Say ^Fail is fifty times ^More powerful in securing ~humility~ in ~comparison~ to ^When we ^Seek the mode itself on our ~own~.  Yet ~humility~ ~helps~ us secure a ~fail~, so it is ~good~ to ^Search for each in ~turn~.  And do not ^Aim for ~fail~ but ^Look for the ~opportunities~ of ~strength~ or ~weakness~ which are an ~indicator~ that we have ~enough~ ~space~ for ~humility~, ~fail~ or ~fall~. 

Within the ~first~ two months after hospitalization I had a great battle to ^Achieve ~daily-self-care~ especially to (re-)^Gain my ~sleep~ and ~water~.  In course of weeks I fell into a pattern ^Where in the morning I absolutely believed my delusional narrative (that is, surrounded by extra-governmental imposters: virtually all my neighbors, friends and ~family~) and by afternoon I saw this ~belief~ for ^What it was: a distortion in disagreement with ~truth~.  I saw ^What was happening to me; not at the moment (that's impossible, isn't it?) but in reflecting afterwards. 

I cannot emphasize ~enough~ that if another person did ^Detect and confront that delusion then it would have made it ^More ^STRONG.  ^Remember ~how~ a ~MESS~ is evidence of ~immunity~ from our ~mind~?  And I could not ~tell~ anyone much about the ~strength~ and ~terror~ of that delusion in the delusional times those ~first~ few months nor could I entertain them for myself or others even in the sanest of moments that whole ~first~ ~year~.  Would it ^Be a ~surprise~ if I were to ^Respond ^More in severity of ~madness~ ^When afflicted by the ^Force of ^Direct ^Conflict against my ^STRONG modes?  ^No; I could not ^Share in ~safety~ even if afterwards I ~still~ had ^Hope to ^Avoid ~consequence~ to my ~life~.  This nature within all ^STRONG modes to (^Self-)^Sustain I suspected and ~later~ confirmed from a ~variety~ of other experiences… I promise I am not stubborn! 

However, in this ~respect~ I was ~honest~ very early on in my recovery: to the confessing of having unspecified morning delusions.  I confessed them ~first~ to my spouse and then to my psychiatrist at the next appointment.  As hinted I made ^No mention of the details of it to them.  My perceptive psychiatrist did ^Take ^Notice sufficiently, so they ALMOST pulled the trigger to ^Commit me ^Again.  I ^Believe I might have been hauled off to the mental hospital ^Again and held involuntarily if it were not for the ~presence~ and active support of my spouse and ~family~, for my gentle pleading to weakly affirm my ~own~ ~desire~ and for my emphasis of ^Trust to the doctor to ^Let him ^Discern it in ~independence~.  ^Who knows ^What a second involuntary ~commitment~ to a mental facility would have done to me?  But ^Trust me on this: my entire ~dance~ at that appointment was singular.  I had a ^Mind to ^Escape and ^Never ~return~ to that office after that ~first~ hint of recommitment. 

A ~year~ ~more~ of remarkable healing and I began to ^Recognize paranoid delusions, ~mania~ and other distortions that had plagued me for the past two decades at least.  My marriage had been on the ~slow~ ~PATH~ to divorce for about a decade of our ~first~ twelve years of marriage because of my distortions in large ~part~ yet partly also because I could not ~know~ ~how~ to navigate the distortions in others nor could I have the ~sight~ to ^Respond to them ~properly~. 

Once that ~year~ went by I saw the ~PATH~ that I had walked.  I recognized that the ~PATH~ had helped me through to ~health~ and inoculated me against a new ~MESS~ developing.  But I was ~stuck~ in some ~sense~ ~still~ for I could not ^Discover ^How to ^Tell ^What happened to me with ~adequate~ context for ~communication~.  I could not ^See ~how~ to ^Start to transfer the ~knowledge~ in a productive or ~helpful~ ~way~ until many ~more~ instances of ~fail~ and another ~perfect~ ~fail~.  Even as of October 2021 ^When I began to ^Write The Book of ^MESH, I had been unable to ^Share any of it in words except for in kernels of ~knowledge~.  This is the fourth ~attempt~ at a book since that time which ~first~ I did ^Share online early the next ~year~.  If there is anything that could ~help~ others and ~heal~ ourselves in a ~way~ that could spontaneously ~overcome~ distortions the right ~way~, the ~exercise~ and ~awareness~ of these concepts is my ~BEST~ bet thus far. 

I felt it was impossible to ^Write yet from several iterations of ^Fail I ^Found my ~ability~ to ^Develop and ^Write The Book of ^MESH.  Despite my (at times huge!) modes and distortions I (in times past) was sort of a person of ~talent~ before and throughout experiencing all this garbage of ~needless~ suffering (blush).  A software developer ^Who ^Now attempts to ^Write this ^FAST brain ~source~ code for healing.  ^Now as I approach the final iteration and review before I publish The Book of ^MESH I am just another person made whole ^Who may ^Want nothing ~more~ than to ^Share so that every ^Mind with ^Interest may have its ~BEST~ ~chance~. 

And it is brain ~source~ code.  I ^Believe that our ~beautiful~ and mysterious ~mind~ already has written in it the seeds of ~knowledge~ and ~exercise~ of virtually every potential ~mode~ herein, many of which have taken place already quite naturally in our ~mind~ which is ^Why I ^Think it ~works~.  I ^Hope this extended explanation will ^Make it ^FAST and pleasant for you all.  In my ~attempt~ to ^Write and ^Study The Book of ^MESH of reminders I have felt a remarkable ~benefit~ of ~help~ from it!  I have ^Never experienced such a rich ~reward~ as I have from ^Fail which led to my healing.  The ~benefit~ therefrom is multiplied by my wholehearted attempts to ^Share.  For I ^Need this ~knowledge~ regarding my regular healing as much as anyone else ^Who finds and feels the fruit of ~MESH~. 

As 2021 became 2022 and as I was nearing the completion of The Book of ^MESH I had a most unfortunate experience regarding my mental ~health~. I had suffered tremendously in stress from a loved one ^Who was in poor ~health~ ^Who subsequently passed away. 

That's Spencer for whom I have dedicated The Book of ^MESH.  He had a stroke after which we spent many hours with him in the hospital followed by many weeks in hospice ~care~ at ~home~.  It was a taxing labor of ~love~, but I came from a place of unusually ~good~ mental ~health~ due to my learning and developing the principles of The Book of ^MESH.  However, we ^Still paid a heavy toll, for we had to ^Take great courage and ^Focus in our ^Fight to ^Save him as he declined and to ^Care for him ^Day by ^Day. 

The stress to have ~lost~ him and have his funeral just sixty days from his stroke was too much in combination with some other stressors in my ~life~.  It was just sixty-one days from seeing him in ~good~ ~spirit~, in a ~habit~ to ^Enjoy ~family~ and in ~good~ ~health~.  And from this stress (to my ^Shock) it began as it ended two years before.  I started having paranoid delusions in the mornings.  With each additional stressor it was getting worse and worse ^Day by ^Day.  My ~mania~ was increasing in great ~measure~ by ~lack~ of ~sleep~ and its ~weary~ energy.  My insomnia became strikingly similar to ^What it had been two years before: ^Sleep for three hours and then awake in ~full~ as though a whole night transpired. 

I was very concerned in the ~knowledge~ that I was not as ^Humble as before which had been a ~gift~ with such inoculating power.  I began to ^Ask questions such as What if I did ^Start to ^Believe or form delusions ^Again?  ^What would ^Happen? 

^Needless to ^Say, I did not ^Want to ^Find out that ~answer~. 

Like a final blow or ^Last straw, my poor behavior from these delusions caused a falling out with some friends online.  The stress of negative ~emotion~ was surging in me and the paranoia started to ^Take root into my evening.  I told my online friends goodbye suspecting severity of delusions in the morning to ^Overcome me.  I wrote an apology but with specific ~purpose~ to experience the ~process~ of ^Fail.  I completed the ~process~ of ^Fail all ~alone~ in my ~mind~ and as before it took about an ~hour~ or two to wrestle it out.  I needed to ^Return to ~humility~ in case any delusion or hallucination might ^Tempt any ^Harm to myself or others. 

And it worked!  ^Better actually!  I had only expected the paranoia to continue but in the ~safety~ of a slippery slope which would eventually allow me to ^Heal ^Again.  After the ^Desperate ^Fail I attempted in the evening I awoke as before (after about three hours) but then I fought hard to ^Return to ^Sleep.  Valiantly, I got five hours ^Sleep in total that night.  To my ^Surprise, not only did I ^Return to ^Humility, but I also didn't have any ~more~ paranoid delusions!  The paranoia was all gone, but I waited all morning to be sure and then did a ^Test to ^See if this recovery was somehow false.  It wasn't false! 

For ^How ~well~ that worked I ^Wish we could just ^Fail ^Regularly and skip the ^MESS, but that's not ~how~ it ~works~.  It is far ^Better anyway.  ^Fail is hard, so we must ^Wait and ^Watch to ^Restore our ^Humility (in times small or large) and in any interval of ~need~. 

It may ^Surprise you as it did me, that the modes of ^Life were ^Never an ~aim~ nor ~goal~ around which The Book of ^MESH was built, but they were primarily a fruit of the ~process~ to ^Build and ^Organize it.  The book's sole ~purpose~ was to contextually describe the remarkable healing ~process~ within me after my ~first~ psychosis of which I did ^Take ^Notice (with ~PATH~ in central theme).  I did so that I might ^Give it fruitfully and ^Share it in ~empathy~ to ^Save others from such a depth of suffering.  I had basically written a majority of The Book of ^MESH and started to ^Find in it many natural self-organizing themes hiding underneath the frequent repeated wrestle of the simplified idea of ~feel~, ~act~ and ~think~.  And just as I ~found~ natural chapters of ~organization~, I ~found~ that each chapter had a collective flavor leaning in a particular ~way~. 

The things which caused us to ^Feel, seemed to either lean towards ~love~ or ~evil~.  The one being a hug or ^Embrace as we ^Connect, and the other being a stiff arm or ~boundary~. 

The things which caused us to ^Act were definitely divided, either leaning towards ~cooperation~ wherein our collective success is the ~focus~, or leaning towards ~agency~, wherein we ^Make decisions singly. 

The things which caused us to ^Think also fell naturally into two flavors: that of ~how~ we ~function~ (success being like a robot or calculator, a maximally dependent structure), or ~how~ we navigate our world with ~independence~, (success being by ~measure~ of ~how~ ~well~ our ~purpose~ or ~goal~ may ^Guide in our ~prudent~ ~limit~ of dependence upon others and our world). 

I did ^Avoid the ~evil~ aspect so at ~first~ I thought there were only five fundamental modes.  But I had to acknowledge the ~duality~ of ^Connect to the ^Love or ^Evil.  From that I could not ^Hide.  Eventually, with my second break-through ~discovery~, that of ^Emotion fundamental maps, I realized that ^No was a missing sixth mode. 

A seventh ~mode~, that of ^Life I had merged with ^Agency at ~first~, but then began to understand that the fundamental modes needed a ~separate~ ~mode~ to ^Govern the interactions ~between~ modes. 

About one ~year~ after I began to ^Write ^MESH, I came to a ~phase~ ^Where I thought The Book of ^MESH had failed.  It was like a recipe book that was missing a key ingredient.  So in ~trust~ to ^Fail, I deleted The Book of ^MESH and asked others to also delete their copies of it.  I had one exceptional copy with a ~family~ member to ^Keep locked up.  This deletion coincided with the beginning of my second psychosis (two and a half years after my ~first~).  With it came a second unwilling hospitalization and the ~first~ anniversary of the beginning of ^MESH. 

This was the ~first~ psychosis since my writing and illustrating The Book of ^MESH, which took a solid five months, and I spent another seven months to edit and ^Improve it in my spare time.  It was a grandiose delusion that caused me to delete The Book of ^MESH just one ~year~ after it began.  This ~act~ of quitting The Book of ^MESH was like quitting an important medication and a mostly harmless delusion turned inward and accelerated until my ~family~ only saw forced hospitalization as an option. 

Gladly, even our heaviest distortions can ^Become suffering with a ~purpose~.  This ~crazy~ ^Sacrifice became something useful for it is exactly ^What led to my ~discovery~ of a missing ~foundation~ of The Book of ^MESH, that of the ~emotion~ fundamental ~map~. 

I am ~grateful~ for this second hospitalization, for I am diagnosed ^Again with Schizophrenia yet from my ~first~ hospitalization I had been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder.  The labels are ^No longer ~pejorative~ to me, for I ^Now ^Belong in a ~community~ of ~beautiful~ ~wonderful~ people ^Who also ^Happen to ^Try to ^Make their ~way~ in the world.  The tools of The Book of ^MESH ^Aim to ^Help ^Manage these disorders and any other distortions of the ^Mind with ~responsibility~. 

We hadn't really grappled with the idea of another hospitalization as a ~family~, but some great things came of it.  In the hospital I had the epiphany of ~emotion~ fundamental maps, which are an important ~expression~ of the six fundamental modes which modes were in every chapter of The Book of ^MESH already, yet they did ^Hide in ~wait~ for their ~discovery~.  In the hospital and from my ~memories~ of The Book of ^MESH I drew eighteen ~emotion~ fundamental ~map~ diagrams, to ^Give a ^Map to a ~variety~ of chapters and ideas.  This also led me to the sixth fundamental mode; I named it ^No, and then ~more~ aptly named it after asking my ~family~ for a verb for wall-building, to which they smartly answered, ^Fortify. 

Another ^Month of writing and diagramming and ^Now all these great ideas are captured in The Book of ^MESH. 

So, ^What was left to ^Discover?  I had written sixteen of eighteen chapters of modes and concepts, but ^What I didn't realize is that ~fail~ could be defeated in an essential ~way~ by ~abuse~.  In March 2023, I had some unfortunate disagreements with friends, but to my ^Surprise, one of my friends ^Who was also in ~weakness~ decided to threaten me verbally, while another tried to trap me in their ~home~… yikes! 

To ^Be fair, I already had been fighting a hard emotional battle that led to an ~emotional-failure~ called ~mania~.  ^What I didn't realize was that they took one of my statements of despair, not as the ~metaphor~ which I did ^Intend, but as a literal ~expression~ as though my ^Aim was to be reckless to property: they did ^Believe I would kick down a door to ^Save a dying fish.  I assumed wrongly and without ~sense~ of ~consequence~ that they knew (from our long friendship) that I would ^Never do that.  Their threat and attempt at control upon me by ~force~ was deeply unhinging and in depth of ~fear~, I couldn't ^Feel ^Safe anymore all ^Day, even though ~separate~ from the event.  And I was surprised to ^Find I couldn't ^Forgive anymore… like its meaning has somehow evaporated.  ^Forgiveness is ~simple~ ~enough~, but ^When ~abuse~ is weighing on us, it can ^Take us in dangerous places of ~mind~. 

Without ~forgiveness~, we cannot ~fail~ ~properly~ as it is a key ^Step of it.  It is so essential, because it releases the factful emotions which we ^Connect in ~relation~ which may ^Deceive us.  ^Forgiveness may ^Grant our ~mind~ ~independence~ from that negativity and a ~PATH~ to ^Restore ~harmony~.  So in that state I was ~stuck~ without ~ability~ to ^Feel in ~truth~ for sake of ~awareness~ which is the second ^Step of ~fail~. 

This verbal ~abuse~ came after I was already experiencing ~mania~, and ~now~ I was approaching a third psychosis rapidly.  I did ^Gain some ~awareness~ of this impending doom as I did ^Talk with my ~buddy~ and ^Notice for myself that I couldn't ^Stop talking.  My ~buddy~ gave ~help~ further by having me report to them on my ~sleep~ which was suffering.  My ~buddy~ also took ~note~ of ^How incredibly connected my conclusions were and that therefore I might be suffering with heavy distortions. 

^What could I do?  ^Problem solving while in this state isn't really effective, but I began to pour through The Book of ^MESH over and over, in ~search~ of a ~way~.  That did ^Help me some to ^Feel ^Better but it didn't cure my ~mania~ and insomnia.  After four nights of poor ~sleep~; as little as two or four hours each, I arrived at a fifth night and I just laid there until 4am in the morning without ~sleep~.  I couldn't ^Sleep and I was done laying there trying, so I thought, I'll ^Go drive to another friend's ~home~…  after all I had seen him (in my head) wandering his neighborhood that very night, so I ^Need to ^Find him and ^See if he's ^Okay! 

As I got near this friend's ~home~, thankfully I was jarred in thought a bit and I realized something was wrong.  From the ~confusion~ I turned around and headed to get breakfast… I wasn't hungry, but I hadn't eaten much over these many days, and I knew ^Daily-self-care was so important right ~now~.  After I ate and returned ~home~ I slept two hours and was feeling a bit ^Better.  Based upon extreme ~lack~ of ~sleep~ and ~worry~ about another hospitalization, I refused to ^Go to ^Work, and instead I watched some relaxing video talks.  I would ^Notice connected thoughts that I would ^Feel in ~connection~ with the speakers as though they had an ~awareness~ of me too; and ^Remember my buddy's gentle reminders that those connections should be questioned.  All that and my inability to get ~more~ ~sleep~ made me ~sad~ and I began sobbing as I caved into it. 

Every once in a while I would get a ~goal~ in my head that ^Day and I would ^Start to ^Chase it; but then it seemed familiar; Oh ^Wait, this might be like the other night, so I began to ^Yield from goals to ~inconsistent~ behavior. 

And lastly, the connected thoughts kept coming, which as I noticed, I began to ^Doubt every thought and fact and every action I was tempted to ^Make.  From the struggle I became ~SICK~; but with ^More ~daily-self-care~.  And then, a ~miracle~!  Another ~hour~ of ~sleep~ was achieved and there were hints that my digestion was also being restored!  ^Truth began to ^Return after that, and I started to ^Feel ^How ~exhausted~ I was and to ^See ~how~ ridiculous my delusions had been. 

I took two ~more~ days off from ~work~ and the second ^Day I ripped through to ^Create two new chapters: Modes of ^Emotion and Modes of ^Refresh.  ^Refresh had been summarized previously as a single concept of ^Function. 

While adding those two new chapters I wrote ~forgiveness~ as a concept—it was in ^MESH already but without its ~own~ concept.  It felt important to emphasize the hazard of ~abuse~ which can ^Stop our ~love~ and ~forgiveness~.  And just like that the remaining major puzzle pieces fell into place.  I ~first~ wrote this section on 6 April 2023 and at this time it feels like ^MESH is ~now~ a ~perfect~ ~picture~ to ^Help us ~grow~ ourselves, ^Help others and ^Heal our world in the ~BEST~ ~way~!  (And with ample room to ^Improve too… )  ^Yay! 

^When I ~first~ wrote ^MESH two critical ~parts~ sprouted into The Book of ^MESH.  These are the concepts of ^Mind and ^FAST.  That ~first~ chapter of two modes was not counted in the eighteen chapters of modes just mentioned.  Without these two modes and the little tildes and carets, I could not have written ^MESH in this ~way~. 

A ~year~ after, I ~found~ the ~emotion~ ~lens~ and added it as a third mode to the initial chapter. 

After having written the fundamental modes chapter, I had a ~table~ that included every chapter.  It also had some real gems of modes that were sewn across many of the chapters of The Book of ^MESH.  This and the ~emotion~ ~lens~ helped to crystallize three new concepts ^When I made a ^Partition of these real gems into three categories: an ^Operator, a ^Motivator and a ^Restorer (that of the ^Parts of the ^PATH).  I ^Source these gems in ~balance~ to ^Take from and ^Sustain in ^Equal ^Measure from each fundamental mode.  It is ^Equal When I ^Consider ^How each triple of chapters ^Belong and ^Map to a fundamental mode of ^Life.  I did ^Remove this ~weave~ of ideas from the ~table~ in the fundamental modes chapter after I realized that each of these ought to be its ~own~ concept.  These concepts were added to the chapter of ^Mind to ^Increase it to six concepts.  Here is that old table for reference. 

In my attempts to implement the pinnacle concept of thought, ^Restore, I had some trouble.  I knew that gladly, in some ~parts~ of the ~PATH~ I excelled, but other ~parts~, it just didn't seem to ^Work ~well~, especially being ~alone~.  To ^Become a ^Helpful buddy is key to our ~moderation~ of ~emotion~ among ~one-another~, but that should also ^Work ~alone~.  In short, I had trouble in my ^Aim to ^Help myself ^When in ~lack~ of a ~buddy~.  Can we ^Become our ~own~ ~buddy~? 

^Yes!  ^When we are ^Obedient, ^What are we doing, exactly?  We are adding a ~desire~ into our heart which is beyond our ~own~.  That could be ~desire~ of others, an ideal, a ~limit~ of our world or any activity that may ^Need us to ^Try.  The trouble, though, is our heart doesn't ~always~ have ~space~ for that.  And then, we struggle to ^Be ^Helpful.  It doesn't ^Matter ^How much we ^Believe it is ^Good, it ~still~ doesn't ^Fit and we ^Try but don't ^Help (without a ^Proper ^Fail), predictably. 

That is, until we realize we have a ^Conflict, so we ^Need to ^Sacrifice some of ~what~ is in our heart.  We ^Become ^Sad.  Gladly, the ~moderate~ discomfort and ~presence~ of ~emotion~ is to ^Help us ^Make the hard ~choice~.  That ^Sorrow is ~now~ a ~good~ ~base~ to ^Grow once our ~excess~ of ~desire~ is ~lost~ with tears. 

^When ^Free, ~sorrow~ is not really required to ^Be ^Obedient.  However, inevitably we ~need~ it ^When that small yet special ~part~ of us may ^Find a ~conflict~ within itself. 

As shown in the ~restore~ concept, ^Sorrow ~helps~ to ^Moderate our ~ability~ to ^Feel, so don't ^Think that to ^Be ^Obedient is slavery!  It may ^Give us a ^Break from our ~excess~ or ~lack~ of ~sense~ in support of our ~daily~ ~work~. 

^Sorrow to ^Clean away our ~conflict~ within and with ~one-another~.  ^Now, my only ~obstacle~ is to ^Find a socially acceptable amount of tears in every context which is greater than zero.  ^Why?  So we can ^Make ~health~ just as contagious as ~illness~, of course! 

The idea to add ^Thirst as a formal ~concept~ was teasing me.  Seeing this morning ^How I had a nice ~space~ for it in the ^MESS chapter, I added it at the ~end~. 

In ~betterment~ of my descriptions of ^Refresh and ^Emotion and their figures, I ~found~ a place for ^Surprise as one of the basic emotions. 

In the current patterns of these things, there is really only one place left for a basic emotion, so I might as ~well~ put ^Happy there.  I've seen babies, and they seem ^Happy, so I ^Suspect it is ^More than a theory, but I will only ^Make a temporary ~space~ as a ~base~ as I ^Try to introduce it.  ^Take ~note~; at least temporarily, ^MESH is also an acronym for, May Eventually Secure ^Happiness.  In ^Disgust, I will ^Now ^Aim to barf on myself and every loved one, each in ~turn~. 

Once I ~found~ a ~good~ place for it, ^Happy has a ^Happy ^Home in ^MESH.  That place, in fact, is one of (dys-)~function~.  Literally.  Our ^Thirst for ^Prudent ^Function is the key element of ~happiness~ in the ^MESH ^Model of it.  Too much or too little ^Function, and we are… ^Happy. 

I could be wrong though.  Is ~happiness~ broken… something we really ^Need to ^Heal from?  I think so, but ^Remember, don't ^Trust me on it.  The Book of ^MESH is only as useful as you ^Make it out to ^Be, so ^Choose its place in your ~life~ for your ~own~ sake.  You'll ^Find a ~way~.  ^Happy reading! 

Three new concepts stirring in my mind came to fruition recently. 

In The Book of ^MESH, I ^Feel like ^Attach is both the most ~simple~ and the most deep in nature.  So much about our mental-emotional-self ~health~ may ^Need us to ^Make ~space~ for every other ~mind~ while we ^Recognize the importance of that for our ~own~ ~mind~. 

Secondly, I ^Think a ^Season is the most devilishly tricky yet shallow ^Concept of ^Mind.  ^Accept ~opposite~ entities as though similar?  Yet ^When we do so, ^Chaos itself may ^Become a natural ^Rhythm in our ^Mind. 

Lastly, the ^Computer ^Concept is just another ~way~ of saying that our ^Mind and any number of other items in our world may ^Operate as a Turing machine.  Such a machine can be intricately useful and yet ultimately, it is ~simple~, in ~lack~ of ~complexity~ at every level, perhaps even in total.  To ^Become a ^Mechanism for our ~community~ is quite a ~way~ to ^MESH; perhaps it is just like a cog in a machine.  ^Notice ^How every ~way~ in which we ^Serve to ^MESH may ^Become a ^MESS ^When a ~mode~ outlasts its usefulness. 

A couple very small updates ^Lead me to some significant epiphanies so I ^Want to ^Take ^Care that I don't ^Learn too quick from them yet I ^Need to ^Tell ^More about it. 

The ^Restore ^Concept is in essence like an operating system (OS) for a device.  Though an OS is supported by hardware, it both may ^Give and ^Moderate many things: the hardware (our ^Mind), the software (^Think), the inputs (^Feel) and the outputs (^Act).  We don't ^Need to trouble ourselves too much about this ~metaphor~, other than to ^Say, that to ^Restore may ^Hold us (or ^Hold us up) and like an OS is key to the success of the whole.  A small distortion in our ^Restore may ^Lead to some glaring issues. 

An issue had ^Become glaring in my ^Restore.  The issue was that I had ^Harmony as ^Base for the fourth ~step~ of ^Restore to ^Moderate our ^Mind.  The ^More I would ^Focus on having ^STRONG ^Harmony with others, the ^More I realized that at times I was inducing ^Fear in others, and even quite suddenly, and to those ^Who were ~afraid~ already, I was inducing ^Anger, as is the nature of ^STRONG ^Harmony. 

Oops. 

But also not oops.  I ^Suspect that to have ^No ^Anger nor ^Fear in the moment is an ~ability~ to ^Adequately ^Match ^Fit to ^Focus.  In other words, those ^Who were most brave to ^Share their ^Love ^Feel most ^Well by ^Exercise of ^Harmony ~alone~. 

So we ^Need ^Harmony for ~one-another~.  That's two layers of ^Harmony with a ^Base of ~weakness~.  Furthermore we ^Need to ^Decide that for ourselves.  In short, the ~vehicle~ to ^Moderate our ^Mind is ^Agency and the ~base~ thereto is ^Harmony for ~one-another~ whose ^Base is ~weakness~ in ourselves to ^Forgive OR ^Live OR ^Refresh.  ^Forgive me as I ^Become ~slow~ to ^Tell it for I am ^Slow as I ^Reflect that I may ^Learn. 

In my ~attempt~ to ^Create an ~example~ of ~strength~ I did ^Anticipate to ^Imagine to ^Show ^What it is like to ^Talk to someone ^Who will not ^Yield ^Strength.  As I will ^Now explain, this further ^Test revealed a ^Need to ^Change my ^Base of ^STRONG ^Harmony ~alone~ into a ~foundation~ of ~weakness~. 

After review of my dueling ~dual~ soliloquy, a ^Truth did ^Come in ^Front to my ^Gaze which is that at least in outward appearance, it doesn't ^Matter ^How much ~weakness~ we have ^When neither party will ^Decide to ^Show ~weakness~ forthrightly with ~honesty~ as its ~focus~.  Unless it is ~perfect~, ~weakness~ may ~still~ appear as ~strength~.  In outward appearance it will ~always~ ^Look like two ^STRONG (stubborn and ^Rude) people though inwardly, surely, perhaps one (if not both) ^Feel their ~weakness~ and so invariably we ^Find the other a bully.  So ^Weakness is ^STRONG in this ~way~, to ^Mask itself by ^Agency. 

One ^Who does not ^Want to ^See the other ^Remain a bully ^Who may ^Aim to ^Win-or-lose is one ^Who may ^Feel ^Full from the interaction.  This is ^Strength that may ^Look like itself.  Our ^Strength cannot ^Satisfy us unless it has a ^Base of ~weakness~.  So ^When we ^Win-or-lose or otherwise prevail upon others by ^Strength, we may ^Ask: by whose ~weakness~ did we ^Gain ^Adequate support for our ^Mind? 

One ^Who may ^See the other ^Remain a bully is one ^Who will ^Want to ^Escape and ^Who will ^Tend to ^Find ^Hurt ~long-term~ from the interaction.  This is ~weakness~ but perhaps with a ^STRONG ^Mask.  ^How is it that ~weakness~ can ^Keep its ^Mask?  Because ~weakness~ is ^STRONG in this ~way~, to ^Exercise ^Agency.  However, by ^Excess ~weakness~ our ^Agency is ^Empty in context of any ^Strength which may ^Oppose.  Unless we employ our ^Agency to ^Unmask our ~weakness~ we cannot endure ^Strength of others and so ^Yield to every ^Strength or ^Hide for sake of ^Agency. 

By contrast, ^Strength has a ~weakness~, in that its ^Agency is ^Full already, so, at its extreme, the only ^Agency that may ^Remain for us is to ^Yield ourselves to a ~weakness~ or ~goal~ yet for sake of ^Strength that ^Step is really the one thing we do not ^Want to do.  In some ~sense~ it may ^Be the only ~healthy~ ~way~ to ~win-or-lose~ our ^Agency ~back~ in ~full~. 

So, ^Strength and ^Weakness often don't really ^Look that different on the outside.  And they aren't really that different in ~result~: a ^Lack in ^Agency except ^When we like ^War; a ^Lack in ^Agency except ^When we ^Magnify ^No disparity nor ^Conflict ^Between.  But ^Strength and ^Weakness are quite different in ~mechanism~ and ^Need. 

^Weakness needs itself without its ^Mask which implies that to ^Feel ^Safe and ^Be ^Safe, it also needs to ^Be with others ^Who have or ^Show ~weakness~ without its ^Mask. 

^Strength is incredibly ^Blind and so it needs to ^Yield itself to others for ^No ^Good ^Purpose.  There is a ^Good ^Purpose which may ^Remain ~unknown~ until we ^Choose to ^Yield our ^Strength.  ^Strength needs a ~goal~ and it needs a ~weakness~ as its ^Guide, or inevitably it will ^Fall. 

So, ^Strength, will you ^Choose to ^Follow ^Weakness and ^Sorrow before it is inevitable?  ^Weakness, will you ^Choose to ^Be yourself and ^Fall therefore, before it is inevitable? 

From all this, I ^Suspect it is far ^Better to ^Feel ^Okay to ^Nourish and ^Dress or ^Make a ^MESS ^When ^SICK, [etc.] as I ^Show here and ^Annotate in the ^Restorer ~mode~, and to do so from a ~source~ of ~harmonious~ ^Harmony and ~weakness~. 

It looks like I'll have to ^Keep going until ~well~.  It is hard ~work~ to ^Restore!  While I do so, ^Please ^Take ^Care of yourselves too. 

I ^Try a ^Simple ^Table 4x5 for the Modes of ^Life as a ^Match to the original five fundamental modes of The Book of ^MESH. 

I have been in wrestle of a 3x7 grid or an 3x8 grid of chapters that I could ^Never ^Find to ^Give a ^Proper ~answer~.  It seems it may ~always~ have a hole in it.